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Updated: Aug 14, 2023

Let me ask you a question! Are you the black sheep of your family?

If so you should continue reading.

If we are honest with ourselves, we must admit that we all have toxic people in our lives. In my case, it is my biological mother, my half-sister, my half-brother and basically my whole little tragic family.

My mother abandoned me as a baby, and I can understand and forgive her, considering she was only 17 years old. Still, her constant interference in my childhood, adulthood and my life without any value to me made it impossible to keep her in my life. There is an endless shitstorm full of stories that I can tell you, from continuous rejection to forgetting me for Xmas over to blackmailing me because I am gay.

She never chose me, she never tried to make amends, nor did she ever admit to any wrongdoing on her side and therefore isn't even able to grow and learn.

Personal development status = NOT PRESENT.

I haven't spoken to her in over six years, and they have been the best as far as I am concerned, as I was able to learn and grow so much and most importantly feel a little more at peace.

Sadly it's a whole new universe of toxicity with my sister. She isn't just repeating my mother's destructive patterns but has reinvented them to a level I have never experienced before. At the age of 42, she has surpassed her by far. She has become a pathological liar because she no longer understands the difference between reality and her reality. Furthermore, how she deals with her life, children and people is relentlessly disrespectful and damaging.

My mother and sister differ because they grew up in different generations. My sister has more tools to grow, and she had me.

I am, since the age of 17, on a journey of discovery. I have left my home country of Luxembourg for the USA and another eight countries in my lifetime.

I worked very hard at moving on from my childhood and growing as a person and most definitely defeating my destiny, which, let's face it, was not going to be a good one considering my family's past and present.

I have done the best I could, and I believe I have succeeded in being a more evolved and considered person even if I have solid narcissistic traits; in the end, I am my mother's child, and I carry her genes.

That was a tough nut to crack, as I refused even to be mentioned with her in the same sentence.

To be compared to her was a fucking nightmare.

Whatever hurts most must be dealt with!

I ended up accepting that I am very much like her. However, I can choose to evolve, work on myself, and treat others differently. And most importantly, not to be a victim, a role my mother and sister could easily win an Oscar for.

I choose to face my shit straight on and not run away like they do, like so many do! Make sure to avoid running in the opposite direction of your Toxic person, as you might find yourself somewhere totally different from where you want to be.

This brings me to the fact why so many of us do not want to deal with ourselves as we have become toxic too. It is crucial to yourself, your relationships, your children, and your life to break those patterns and become you. Be the person you can be without the pre-programming of your toxic family.

Make no mistake that the root of all your toxicity is your childhood. If you question that, you are simply wasting your time!

If you have had a toxic parent, you are most likely oblivious to your toxicity or have recreated and attracted a toxic person in your life. You have recreated that relationship.

I call it the "Bear in the living room syndrome".

When it comes to my partner of nine years, let me make it as short and hardcore as possible.

He was a fucking nightmare, and he cheated, lied and was emotionally unavailable. It was only four years into the relationship that I had a so-called AHA moment and realised that he was a clone of my mother, and so were all my partners before.

Fuck, imagine that! I was dating my mother with a cock, most horrendous, but it made so much sense. They were emotionally unavailable, and the more they ran, the more I hunted them down.

Very productive relationships, NOT!

I decided to leave him for a year, during which I grew, rebuilding my patterns by simply being radically honest to myself, and trust me, that wasn't easy.

I had to discover and admit notably bad traits of mine and find ways to change them, and I did, and some I just had to accept. It was solely when I had set my boundaries that I let him back into my life and no longer accepted his behaviour, and that is when things started to change. Having said that, I always knew that he had it in him to be a better person. Some of you will have to let them go forever.

Now to you.

Who is that person, or are those people stopping you from moving on, being a better you, or living your life?

The answer is not that difficult, and most of you won't want to hear it.

It is you, not them?

You are accepting them, them putting you down, letting them hit you, and breaking yourself down because you do not know better. The real question is:

Why have you attracted such a person to your life?

  1. Make a list of all those hindering you in your life.

  2. Why are they in your life? This point is most important because if you manage to get rid of them and do not understand the core of why they were in your life in the first place, you might replace them with another emotionally unavailable coward.

  3. Why do they have such power in your life?

  4. What are they doing exactly?

  5. Make a detailed list of their actions and the consequences it has for you.

  6. How do they manifest themselves in your life?

  7. Will they be aggressive towards you in case of change? Please assess that and get help if needed.

Sometimes if you are lucky and have worked on yourself and can say and do things in alignment, meaning you are believable and people won't start laughing in your face, you can make changes and live with their toxicity; that, however, is very rare.

In most cases, you will have to let them go, which will feel like a sacrifice. Letting them go and simply moving on without understanding will not work. You will replace them, as mentioned before, but this is MOST IMPORTANT!

It would be best if you started being kind to yourself.

Before I let you go, I want to tell you that I sadly had to throw my sister out of my life about a year ago, and this time for good.

She sadly is no longer my little sister, and all my attempts over the last 20 years to make her realise that she has a Substance Abuse issue and so much more have failed.

She has crossed a line by becoming pregnant again at 41 and continuing her substance abuse;

I can not be part of that anymore. I can't watch her smoking whilst pregnant, up to 5 joints daily.

Imagine that to be over 1300 Joints smoked during pregnancy alone.

I realised that the more I accepted her toxic behaviour, the more toxic I became, and that is where the absolute truth hit home.

One will never be fully healed from whatever happened in childhood; all you can do is decide to accept your past in a role of power and not the victim, and that is done by taking responsibility for the now!


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